“I uploaded Microsoft Word documents to my Geocities website for the whole world to read.” — Hans to Richard Burnish.[1]

Hans Peter Schwanzlutscher (Literally: Hans Peter Cocksucker) also known as Hanna Petra Mösenlecker[2] (Literally: Hanna Petra Cuntlicker) is a caller on The Ark, and a former frequent caller on the Jesus Chatline. They are also known by the handle SignoreMP.

On the Jesus Chatline, Hans claimed to work for the media department of the Vatican, and lost his faith in the Roman Catholic Church after he witnessed the Pope installing Real Media Player, and was dismayed when the Pope refused to uninstall Bonzi Buddy. His frustration with the Church motivated him to release sensitive documents to VatiLeaks, and joined the Church of the Neon Bible as a missionary.

Hans returned in The Ark Episode 2 and revealed that they had escaped Rome, and were now living as a trans woman by the name of Hanna.


Hans first appearance on the Jesus Chatline was on Pray The Gay Away. He confronts Richard Burnish about the validity of the Neon Bible and why it is a heretical document. He proceeds to call Richard a trickster, swindler, phony and a thief and slams the Church of the Neon Bible in a very heated discussion.[3]

He called in to the following episode Carry The Earth. He explained to Richard that he had come to the realization that he was "barking up the wrong tree" with the Vatican and wanted to join the Church of the Neon Bible as a missionary.[4] Some of the factors behind his realization to leave the Roman Catholic Church are;

  • The Pope's use of Internet Explorer and refusal to use or update Firefox
  • The Installation of Real Media Player on the Pope's computer, and the Pope's refusal to uninstall the infamous freeware virtual assistant BonziBuddy.

The Hans effect. Richard openly broke character during his talks with the illusive German.

He followed up on his progress on the subsequent episode No Tears, Only Dreams Now. He announced that after the Pope "rustled his jimmies" by refusing to uninstall Real Media Player, he contributed to the release of sensitive internal documents to VatiLeaks through his Geocities website. His call ends with the sound of Police entering his apartment and was hung up by Richard. This would be the final time Hans would appear on the Jesus Chatline.

He returned in the 3rd episode of The Ark as he tells Richard he's now a lesbian transgender.


  • On February 21 2020, a user named SignoreMP wrote a message of condolence on Steven Chilton's actor Jay Walkow's online obituary, expressing his condolences and reminiscing on the Jesus Chatline era. It is possible he may reprise his role as Hans on the upcoming show The Ark.[5] As of April 25, 2020, he has returned in the 3rd installment of the series.
  • He was one of the few callers that openly made Richard break character during the broadcast. He often weaved famous meme phrases into his discussions, such as making constant references to the cereal 'Gorilla Munch' that often went unnoticed by the naive hosts.
  • After ending his call on Carry The Earth , the same caller who portrayed Hans called in much later into the same episode, this time portraying himself as a school student who was being bullied at school by the teachers.


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