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“"Being a Christian simply doesn't cut it anymore. That may have got you to heaven in 960 a.d. when there was lots of room, but you know what? It's like a full SATA 2 hard drive. God doesn't wanna make a hardware upgrade because he is a compulsive gambler, and he has lost a lot to Satan." ” — Richard Burnish [1]


Richard H. Burnish is the author of the Neon Bible and Intermittent Fisting, and host of The Ark. He formerly hosted Jesus Chatline together with Steven Chilton. He is portrayed by internet comedian Dustin Horrock.[2]

Having co-founded the Chatline to spread the gospel of his Neon Bible, Richard is a devout Christian with a flair for technology and the future, though his knowledge of technology and computers is limited. Known as a warm engaging person, his naivety is often abused by joke callers, leading to much distress and bursts of anger throughout the life of the Chatline.

Out of character, Richard was known to break character often, and would oftentimes deliberately steer into obvious prank calls for a laugh.

After the end of the Chatline, Richard did not accompany his former fellow co-host Steven on his later liveshows Rumbled Feathers and HaulinAss, and seemingly vanished from the public eye. However in 2018, he returned to give his condolences to the death of Steven Chilton. In 2020, Richard reprised his role as host of the successor to the Chatline; The Ark.

History

Jesus Chatline

While not much is known about Richard's childhood, it is known that he was born and raised in the city of Montclair, California and was raised in a Christian household. Richard's father left while he was a young boy. It is revealed that his father went out to the store for some Dad's Cream and never came back, though after hearing of Richard's success on the Jesus Chatline, he reappeared and reconciled with Richard and appeared in one of the episodes. While as a teenager, Richard was into classic rock, one of many things he and Steven bonded over as it is hinted in various episodes that both used to like rock and metal music, especially Steven because he was a trucker at one point. While in his early to mid twenties, Richard was overcome by the "temptations of evil" in where he was known to drink a lot of alcohol, smoke cigarettes and take bong rips out of his grandma's ass, but through the power of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, Richard was able to defeat his temptations by reading the Bible, drinking Dad's Old Fashioned Cream Soda and praying multiple times a day. While known for his success in Jesus Chatline, he can also be credited for taking bong rips from his grandma's ass, as stated by Leroy. Richard has returned in 2020 with his new show after the death of his friend, Steven Chilton. A sequel to the Jesus Chatline called "The Ark" premiering on twitch in April of the same year.

2012-2019 Absence

Following No Monetary Compensation, Richard vanished from the public eye and did not join Steven Chilton on his own shows. Wild rumours began circulating that Richard had died, presumably of cancer. However in 2016 Richard held an Ask Me Anything on Reddit's /r/RichardBurnishAMA subreddit proving these rumors wrong.[3] He further stated that a falling out between himself and Chilton deteriorated their friendship entirely, and as a result he was not invited to the show nor able to make amends with his former co-host.[4]

Following the end of the Chatline, Richard did some soul-searching preparing himself for when the time would be right to return. During this time, he got into Christian mixed martial arts (MMA) to become hard, gain discipline and learn how to fist.[5]

File:IntermittentFisting.png

Richard ended his absence when he hosted an Instagram stream in 2019 in which he discussed the Jesus Chatline as well as new show ideas.[6] He reminisced about past episodes and funny characters. He announced that he was looking into reprising the Richard Burnish character and hosting a new show.

The Ark

In early March 2020 Richard posted a series of teasers using the Jesus Chatline theme. Finally on March 14 he revealed The Ark, his new show with a premiere date of April 2020. On April 7 he posted a 1 minute long video to his Instagram. Speaking with the classic Richard persona, he announced that The Ark would premiere on Easter Sunday.

Along with the new show, Richard revealed that in his absence he became a Christian MMA fighter and this would be one of the core topics of the new show, as referenced by the quote;

The Ark; Where feet, fists and faith collide!
~ Richard

He also revealed the release of his second book after the Neon Bible.

Personality

Richard often speaks in a calm and friendly manner, welcoming calls and trying to make friendly conversation with them. Richard is not as rigid as his co-host, though breaks character very often by laughing or smiling, especially when talking to more eccentric callers.[7] He often combats this by positioning his head off the screen and excuses himself, stating that he has 'crunched' himself (where he squashed his testicles between his legs.) This action in itself has become a staple joke of the Jesus Chatline.

If bombarded with too many obvious or pathetic attempts at trolling, Richard is known to get frustrated and even angry, scolding the audience for their apathy and leading to moments such as Richard smashing his own birthday cake in anger during a live stream.[8] Despite his low tolerance for 'trolls,' it is obvious that callers using clever or otherwise realistic personas are welcomed, such as Randall Stevens and Hans Peter Schwanzlutcher, two callers with eccentric accents and personalities who generate their comedic value through quirky dialogue and discussion with the hosts, not by yelling profanities. He has recently gotten some violent tendencies to throw plates or "colby" troll fax messages.

While Richard's main friend is Steven, he usually talks about various situations with characters that call in frequently. It was revealed in Episode 1 that eccentric gay caller Randall Stevens had a sexual encounter with Richard. Despite Randall's insistence, Richard rejected his advances and confirmed they were just friends.[9] The two discussed their intimate moment under the belief their microphones were muted, where in reality their conversation was being streamed.

Richard also has fights with his helper Chad who appears to be incompetent and plain stupid at time forcing Richard to turn off his profane music that comes up on the air from time to time. Richard's relationship with his friend is a rollercoaster as Chad has been fired from the show before only to return some episodes later.

Like Steven Chilton, Richard is a con artist as it can be displayed through the series, scamming viewers for money. He would later play up the false death of his son, Thomas Burnish, with his ex wife in order to collect insurance money. Making Richard Burnish a villain protagonist in the series.

Trivia

References

  1. https://youtu.be/_UEnxbASBU8?t=18
  2. https://www.ic.gc.ca/app/opic-cipo/cpyrghts/dtls.do?fileNum=1103298&type=1&lang=eng
  3. https://www.reddit.com/r/RichardBurnishAMA/comments/5j3y8q/richard_burnish_ama_thread/
  4. https://www.reddit.com/r/RichardBurnishAMA/comments/5j3y8q/richard_burnish_ama_thread/dbet7lm
  5. https://youtu.be/5MD7F_Z2bYg?t=922
  6. https://youtu.be/TDY0r4fl-hM
  7. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiRaRy4Qq8g&t=155s Jesus Chatline- BonziBuddy
  8. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=supooUayFoc
  9. https://youtu.be/A9UTWUO8tBA?t=8493
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